The Bumpy Ride

Still working on this one!

Driving in the ambulance, the scene playing on loop

My mom deliriously continues to ask, what’s the scoop?

She doesn’t remember what happened just one minute ago

How do I explain to her this irreversible blow?

My brain is running one hundred miles an hour

While I am strapped down without power.

The ambulance siren ringing as we race to the ER

As my mind is focused on the package in the other car.

My mom concussed laying by my side

While my life was just washed away by a thunderous tide.

Cords connected to monitors continually beeping

___________________

I ask the paramedics where they took him

___________________


Jarone Ashkenazi

Shake

It started with a shake and twitch of his chin

What happened next was much to my chagrin.

We thought it was just his jaw, but shortly after we were in awe.

He walked up the stairs and soon I heard a shout,

My dad screaming/yelling my name and I knew beyond a doubt.

I ran on the double, knowing too well that my brother was in serious trouble. 

I saw my brother convulsing and my dad holding him

My adrenaline kicked in as he shook every limb.

My dad helped me lay him on the floor, hoping that he’d soon restore.

Grabbing a pillow to place under his head

I started to panic and my optimism/hopefulness fled.

I looked on the computer for what to do, so I could get a clue. 

We placed him on his side as he shook uncontrollably 

It happened before but this time more notably.

As my dad looked over his son, I called 9-1-1.

The shaking stopped and he began to recuperate

He was unaware of what occurred so we began to illustrate.

Waiting for the paramedics to come, he laid there numb.

Jarone Ashkenazi

Go Away

Curled up in a ball, hugging his knees head down

Sitting there not knowing how to express his pain.

All alone in the world inside his head

Which itself is oddly shaped and once hemorrhaged.

Not wanting to go anywhere or do anything

Sulking in the corner, not allowing me to help.

He suddenly changed from his jovial way.

Not sure what changed from yesterday

He just sits there screaming, I hate myself – go away.

With one wet lick across his face,

All of a sudden he begins to smile. 

His dog succeeded where my attempts fell short

I think he feels all alone against a mighty fort.

I try to get him to come back in the house

As the dog runs off, he is again in a huff.

Secluded in his bubble completely shut down

He thinks we look at him as if he is a clown.

Now he is sobbing, I am not going anywhere today – go away.

Jarone Ashkenazi

Guarded

There is a side of me that I rarely show,

Locked deep inside letting no one know.

When I walk around I put on a facade,

Otherwise everyone might perceive me as odd.

I walk around wondering if anyone will find out

And wonder how I can let go and find a new route.

I have grown accustomed to being on my own

Being alone is my comfort zone.

They see me as the warm, helpful guy;

There is much more to me than what meets the eye.

A helpful brother is what most see,

But there is much more that defines me.

I watch and protect what is so close

Sometimes I need help, no one knows.

How do I let out what is trapped so deep inside

After so long all I have known is to hide.

What lies beneath is guarded by lock and key,

Hidden down deep for no one to see.

Who holds the key that will set me free?

Jarone Ashkenazi

Trust

I reached out and trusted one, and later faced a gun

And because of that stupid mistake, my body and mind ache.

I am stuck wondering why, sometimes it makes me cry.

Who could have predicted this, all after my first kiss?

I am left all alone, while this case continues to postpone.

Now I feel deserted while some say or think I am perverted.

I have lost faith in most, because I think they see me as gross.

The error I made – occurred due to my mind being strayed.

I want to be able to connect, but I only can reflect.

All that I have achieved, I now only wonder how am I perceived?

When I look into to someone’s eyes,

I wonder – do I have to feign a disguise?

Do they know the truth about me?

Or can I live my life like I want it to be?

Jarone Ashkenazi

Rage

On his way to another appointment with my mom

Shouldn’t she know how to keep him calm?

The door swings furiously open, he has returned sooner than expected

And from the screams and cries I know he feels subjected.

Coming home fuming and not knowing how to cope

While no one fully understands his entire scope.

He storms into his room and sinks into his chair

Shouting and crying completely alone and in despair.

I go to see what is wrong and if I can console

But I know that these past years have taken its toll.

Enraged, fuming, and ready to explode

How am I going to be able to crack this code?

He begins to calm but then my mom enters the room,

I knew to well that he would ultimately fume.

A scream a crash the laptop is on the floor

Another battle lost in this ongoing war.

About to lose it again I am forced to restrain

None of this is hardly mundane.

Another day, another meltdown – and yet again he is alone.

Jarone Ashkenazi

Feel

I sit and lie awake, while my body intensely aches.

Picturing what happened over four years ago,

That shook me and damaged my soul.

I am continually up late at night, thinking about my fright

Of the future of the one, that my parents call their son.

He is my brother; I would never trade him for another.

He continually fights to overcome, while I am left breathless and numb.

My heart is empty, my mind often draws blanks;

And when I am consoled, all my mouth utters is thanks.

There are still tears, which fall upon deaf ears

Due to the pain and fear after all of these years.

It still is hard for me to connect and to feel warm;

Because for so long I have deviated from the norm.

I go out and search for something to make me feel whole,

But all I am looking for is someone eager to console.

When I am lucky to enjoy a moment of joy,

I quickly am reminded of that helpless boy.

Who has gone through so much, but still has that delicate touch.

His life has taken a toll, but still appears to be whole.

He is often frustrated, but his condition has extremely upgraded.

Even simple communication for him is tough, and I think my life is rough?

Jarone Ashkenazi

Friends

I sit at home and wonder why,

My friends don’t pick up their phones and say hi.

Days go by and I don’t even hear a peep,

Do they think that I am still asleep?

I have been through so much over these past years;

But no one bothers to ask about any of my fears.

Before it happened there were some I considered close,

Now only a few chip away at what has froze.

They have been unaffected by the arduous path of life,

While I have experienced many obstacles that have deepened my strife.

Sometimes I wonder if they even care,

That my beating heart continues to tear.

Going to games and bars and having fun,

How come I’ve been invited to none?

Why do I sit anxiously awaiting their calls?

My hope rises but undeniably falls.

My pain and sorrow grow exponentially,

But I guess I have held in reserve those feelings confidentially?

It is difficult to ask for help, but shouldn’t friends inquire?

Or is it only up to me to quench this fire?

Jarone Ashkenazi

Bloody Memory

I am constantly reminded of that awful bloody day

Where all my hopes and dreams washed away.

It is always on my mind, all of the time;

Why didn’t she just stop at the sign?

Some have told me to forget and to let go,

But the image continuously repeats in my head in slow-mo.

I close my eyes and try to forget,

It is no help, I am left upset.

It follows me and creeps into my thought

Leaving me completely distraught.

Sticking to anything and all that I do,

Bleeding through everything in that dark red hue.

Everything that should be easy turns into a grind,

Why can’t I look past this and put it behind?

Jarone Ashkenazi

Blindsided

A thud, a crash – I am thrown on my side.

I turn over to see where he is, as I am his guide.

Soon I hear screams and believe the outcome is grim.

My brother is lying there blood filling his mouth to the brim.

Adrenaline coursing through my veins, I try to rush to his aid

I immediately fall back down clutching my leg, seeing him about to fade.

Finally I arise and take off my shirt

Putting pressure on his ear where he is hurt.

Blood filling his mouth while he is struggling to reply

Sitting over him I begin to cry.

I scream his name while fighting to hold back my tears

Is this the end for him, after fifteen years?

Jarone Ashkenazi

Three Years

Three years have passed but nothing has changed, the world remains the same.

The sun rises, the birds chirp, but only one heart truly hurts.

It started off so great, but now I am filled with hate.

Nothing to me is the same, and I am the only one to blame.

When others find fun, I look out and see none.

Some say that luck is three, but that is untrue for me.

It started off with a first, and the next day my heart nearly burst.

Almost lost one, and now I simply feel done

People have come and go, but no one truly will know

About everything that has happened to me, in my three year voyage lost at sea.

Every morning when I awake, I feel like I need a break.

I hope and think, will anything change if I blink?

That is how fast it was, and it happened just because?

It happened so fast, but its effects have last.

Three years later, I have in myself a huge crater;

An empty space, seeking a true warm embrace.

I am perpetually lost, and it is only me who pays the cost;

Sometimes I find it hard to breathe, and I truly just want to leave.

Life just seems to pass me by, with no one caring enough to say hi.

The next chapter of my life is about to begin, but much to my chagrin

I am still alone, and my future is unknown.

Jarone Ashkenazi

My First Post

After speaking with friends and other important people in my life, I have finally been persuaded to share my poetry - an avenue where I feel safe in sharing my thoughts and feelings.

Before starting this blog I have only shared these poems with 3-4 people, so I am a bit nervous to express my feelings to the whole blogosphere. Hopefully those who read my poetry can feel the depth, passion, and emotion it took me to write each poem.

I began writing about three years after my little brother's near fatal accident while I was feeling down and didn't want to open up to anyone. Each poem not only expresses my thoughts and feelings during these times, but also reminisces on events that transpired.

I will be uploading a poem every Friday night...hope you enjoy.

Jarone Ashkenazi

http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/jaroneashkenazipenonpaper